Another home visit from the North Yorkshire County Constabulary.....

.... courtesy of the Chilvers family of Hemingbrough

As I drifted off to sleep last Sunday night, I was stuck in that place where reality and fantasy mingle in confusion, unsure whether I was awake or dreaming about ex-Parish Councillor Colin Chilvers and his father Parish Councillor Roland Chilvers, ex-chairman of the Parish Council, ex-chairman of the Hagg Lane Green Conservation group, and people are unsure about whether he is the ex-chairman of the Hemingbrough United Charities, or not.

Dad! Dad! I’ve had a letter and I’m frightened to open it.
Why, son?
It’s from 'im!
Who?
That man your wife keeps writing about.
Which one? Give me a clue.
She wrote t’Archbishop about 'im and t’church.
Er .......
She wrote t’ Parish Council about 'im and t’church!
Er .....
You know, you had to give 'im a public apology at the Parish Council when the rest of the Councillors said your behaviour was nothing to do with them and you had to apologise to 'im yourself.
I don’t want to remember that!
You do remember, didn’t you resign the Chairmanship just after that?
I still don’t want to remember that!
You must know, it’s the one who your wife has just written t’paper about, you know, about the church again and 'im looking like that Osama bloke.
Oh, him! The one I say gave me a good kicking but he denies it.
That’s 'im.
Is it thick?
I’m not thick, I’m your son.
No, is the letter thick; is it padded; is it ticking?
No, there’s just a single piece of paper in it.
How do you know it’s from him?
It came registered, was signed for, and it’s got 'is name and postcode on the back of the envelope.
Has he ever threatened you, son?
No, dad.
You should call t’ police, son.
What do I say, dad?

Hello, is that the North Yorkshire County Constabulary?

Hello, Mr. Chilvers. Busy? We certainly are.  Even the Hemingbrough crime figures are up for the last few months. We are doing all we can to catch the criminals coming from Hull and West Yorkshire.  How can we help you?

A letter?  What does it say? You don’t know? You’ve not opened it?  Is it thick? No?  Is it padded? No?  You know who it’s from!  Has he threatened you before? No. So, what would you like us to do, Mr. Chilvers? Sorry, what was that again? Take the letter back to him? [Muffled speech like someone has their hand over the phone, then silence.]

Yes, Mr. Chilvers, I am still here.  What’s your address?  Haven’t we been there earlier this year, after your family was hammering on this gentleman’s door late at night after he asked a question about you at the Parish Council meeting that same night? Yes?  I thought it was the same address. Someone will be along to pick up the letter later. What’s that?  Your daughter’s been in the Bear Garden? She is an adult, isn’t she? Is that the same daughter who was photographed drunkenly hammering on the same gentleman’s door, rampaging through his garden and upsetting his neighbours?  It is. Well, she’s old enough to know bears can bite back. Somebody will be with you when we have the time.

Selby Desk?  Hello, Sarge. Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha.  Go on, then!

Mr. Markham? Good evening. [A very polite, police officer came into the house taking great care not to leave dirty footprints and eventually we agreed to stand in the kitchen. You could not fault constabulary courtesy and consideration.]

I’ve brought back your letter to Colin Chilvers.  He’s frightened to open it.  It’s nothing to do with us really, but you know ...

May I open it in front of you and show you the contents?  Thank you.  As you can see it’s just a response to his piece in the Selby Post; an offer to apologise for and correct anything I have said about him, if he has evidence that what I said is wrong.
It’s nothing to do with us really ....
Do you recognise me?
No.
Do you read the Selby Times?
No.
Then you will not have seen the recent outrageous letter from Mrs. Chilvers; she links me and Remembrance Sunday with Osama?
It’s nothing to do with us really ....
You know about your colleagues having been here after his daughter ...... etc. 
It’s nothing to do with us really.  You seem like a nice gentleman.
Thank you. 
I’ll call him and tell him what was in the letter.  It’s nothing to do with us really.  Goodbye.
Thank you.  

Hello mate?  Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha, Ha-ha.

The reality part is that I did send the letter shown below by registered mail, it was signed for at the Chilvers house, it wasn't opened, the Police were called, they did collect the letter, bring it back to me unopened, explained Colin Chilvers was frightened to open it, I did open it in front of the police officer, who read it, made the comments attributed to her, and did take the letter away promising to call Colin Chilvers and tell him what was in the letter, the facts referred to in the imaginary telephone conversations, and the later village-wide laughter.

Now I have the confirmation from the Post Office that my registered letter was delivered to Colin Chilvers, and the confirmation that the Police have told him what it said. I wonder where Colin’s letter is?  Was it taken back to him, is it in a police file?

This is what you can get when you ask questions that some Parish Councillors don’t like.

You couldn’t make it up!

Comments:

Having read the latest post through tears of laughter, only to realise these events actually happened, please allow me to sum up the perpetrators in two words: